What happens when one thing, one unbelievably crappy, unimaginable thing, changes everything?
A couple of weeks ago I lost my partner who I had been with for eight years in an accident. I lost the person I was excited about spending the rest of my life with. I lost the person I had spent almost a third of my life up to this point with.
I know that I don’t normally write personal blogposts, but I needed to write this one, not for you, but for me. Putting things on paper has always helped me. Plus, Jake was the one who encouraged me to start this blog, and I am determined to keep it going. And hopefully even keep it growing.
Although I think that often the words that can be offered in these situations are unnecessary, the words I have found comfort in are quotes, as I think quotes have a way of summarising how I feel, maybe even better than I can myself.
I was scrolling tumblr when I came across this quote:
“it a curious thing, the death of a loved one… it is like walking up the stairs to your bedroom, and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down, through the air, and there is a moment of dark surprise as you try and readjust the way you thought of things.”- Lemony Snicket
This quotes resonates with me, because I do feel so strange & weird. Aside from the obvious grief and anger, it has been an utterly weird and surreal experience.
For me it seems f#$ked up that the world would do this. That I would be living in the house we purchased 4 months ago, sleeping in our king-sized bed, using our two fridges (even though I don’t have enough food for two). It seems f#$ked that I lost my favourite person, but even worse that so many other people lost one of their favourite persons also. Why did this happen to such a seriously wonderful human.
There are a million things I could write, about the weird things that remind me of him, about the feelings of grief & anger, about how unfair it all seems. About how one of the worst parts is that the only person I want to talk about everything with is the one person that I can’t. About how I’m trying to separate what was ‘our’ traditions and wants, into ‘mine’. At the moment it is so hard for me to do anything, or plan anything. Watching TV shows reminds me of him, going surfing reminds me of him and planning holidays is hard because we had always talked about where we wanted to go. About how the kindness from everyone has been truly amazing. And about how weird it is for something that you never imagined would happen to you, happens. About how you feel you are being judged for how you are grieving (even though you probably aren’t).
But I won’t say anymore (not yet anyway, I am sure that I will write more blogposts about my journey from here).
I had a plan for my life, and the plan has changed, I am now on a journey I never expected, wanted and that I would never wish upon anyone else. But that is what it is, a journey.
I finished my eulogy with the words:
“So going forward we should all try to live a little bit more like Jake each day. Always put your feet in the ocean as often as possible, always love your friends and family, always look for the fun in every situation, always be willing to do anything to make others laugh, always forgive, always adventure, and above all, just bloody live.”
& these for me are not hollow words, they are not something I just said. Jake was the greatest person I knew, and I will never understand why I have to live without him, but I have to try to live a life he would be proud of. That is the goal for my journey.