If you are unsure what this post is about- read here.
Everyone asks me how I am. People close to me ask me “how are you, really?”. Which is a great question as they see through my generic “I’m okay” response.
The truth is, I am both okay and not okay at the same time. I am okay in the sense that I am holding it together. However, I am also not okay as I am sad, angry, confused, and exhausted. I am genuinely so exhausted. Carrying around grief, literally feels like the weight of the world is on my shoulders (which is a saying I always thought was so odd), it makes everyday tasks so much more tiring than normal.
Whenever, I am watching a TV show and a character suffers a loss (particularly the death of a loved one), I always just want to fast forward to the part where they are okay again. I hate watching these fictional characters suffer. Now it is me suffering. And now I realise that it is going to take a really long time to “be okay” (I can’t just skip forward to season four) and that I don’t think I will ever “be okay”…well not in the same way that I used to be.
Although, I said I’m sad, and angry, and confused, above all of those feelings I just miss Jake. I miss spending time doing nothing with him, I miss telling him everything, I miss being able to plan a day doing random activities and knowing I could drag him along, I miss having an idea about what the future would hold, and most of all I miss having “my person”. The person I could go home too. It is really hard watching most of the people close to me have that (not that I wouldn’t want them too), but it’s just hard.
When you get to a certain age you start to think that every relationship will either end (normally in a blaze of glory) or that you will get married and live happily ever after. You don’t think about the third- crappiest option.
I have not been crying as much as I thought I would be, although thinking about it I still cry a little most days (either in the shower or when I’m driving alone), but what I do find myself doing often is catching my breathe (and having small anxiety attacks). I will be in the middle of doing something and then it reminds me of Jake or a particular memory that we shared (& trust me, after 8 years of adventures, a lot of things remind me of him), and my breathe stops for a second. I am lucky that I can recognise the signs and can calm myself down- smelling my aroma oils bracelet works well for me.
When you realise how quickly everything can fall apart, it makes you never want to give up anything good again- What if
I am scared for the future and for the possibility that more crappy things could happen (because now I know how it feels). But I also know that I can’t live life in fear or full of worry. For me the only way to get through all of this, is to just live…
…To seek distractions. To follow my passions. To lean on those around me, whilst also ensuring that they are “okay”. To take time for myself. To reflect. To cry when needed. To laugh when needed. & to seek the light in the darkest of times.